Lucid Dreams

I dream every night.

Every. Single. Night.

I’m not sure if it’s because I get so hot or if I eat too close to bed time, but I dream every night.

Last night I had a dream where I went to a restaurant with friends. For the life of me, I couldn’t decide whether to get the steak and mashed potatoes or the eggs with two croissants and ham. If dreams occur in real time, then I must’ve spent over an hour going back and forth on the menu pages (which I can still picture in my mind) deliberating.

What would be the tastiest?

Wait…I have a race tomorrow, what would go down easiest?

TWO CROISSANTS?? What will I do if I can’t finish it all? Should I pack it in? I hate waste.

I wish the steak had some other vegetable with it.

Do I really want eggs right now? Wish it had a biscuit option.

My friends were nice enough as I wasn’t thinking these things in my head, I was saying them out loud. It was nuts and made no sense. I knew this in my dream too. All I was thinking during this time was how I wish I wasn’t having these roaming thoughts and wish I could just CHOOSE.

For the past week, I’ve prayed a lot to God. I’ve asked the dude (because is it a He or a She really??) to take away the roaming obsessive thoughts I’ve had recently. These things stem from training to work to food to relationships. How I usually migrate through these things is planning or cutting out.


Relationships: nonexistent right now (even though I find myself wanting one)

Training: follow the plan

Food: eat the same thing everyday

Work: let my boss figure out my schedule after I make my training plan known

I give up some control to experts, then I cut out the rest. For me, “the rest” is equivalent to “stress”. I don’t want to think about finding love right now, as I don’t see how it can fit in my life. I don’t want to think about food right now because nothing can be perfect and I get overwhelmed with choice (see the dream).

What I do and what I want are two different things.

I want to find someone who shares my passionate view of life, but I’m not willing to do the work right now to get it.

I want to have more food freedom (in a sense of trying new or at least different things) but I just don’t want the spiraling thoughts that come with it until I find a peace.

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I’m comfortable being alone and eating my avocado toast at night.

Right now.

I see my heart waning though. And maybe it’s time.

Time to change. Time to grow. Time to find passion in a different area.

Running is a huge part of my life, but it’s fickle. I could get injured tomorrow. My training also has a time stamp, the race is in a month. Then I’m off for a bit and that is the hard part.

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What to do when the biggest part of my life, is on a break.

Maybe my lucid dreams are a way to help figure that out.

Ellie Pell