Shell Shocked

I’m finally writing. I’ve needed to do this for the past few days, but I have felt so overwhelmed with anything besides running that it seemed impossible. Every half hour I got new information. So much information. Every day I relished in my morning run because it was the only time I felt at peace. The world couldn’t touch me yet.

Last Thursday felt like my last normal day. Actually, make that Wednesday because Thursday is when the shit hit the fan in a big way for me and my place of work. It began with my running buddy telling me Cornell was closing. As in all students out right now and teachers are unable to leave the city. Travel bans, work from home, online classes only.

I got home from that run to a shit storm of new information. Suddenly everyone was taking this virus a hell of a lot more seriously. At least, in my online circles. Italy was in lock down. California and NYC were on the way and a few people in my town were being tested and quarantined. It was then I decided to cancel my trip to Lake Sonoma because flying didn’t feel responsible. I found myself in a strange void, internally freaking out, but also going to work and no one either knew or cared. How was I the person educating people? Why were people, especially older folk who is the majority of my clientele, unaware or not worried about this? They are the most vulnerable to death!

I found myself in between two worlds, cursed by the American Dream of freedom, wealth and prosperity. I love my job and knew I had to come to work, however I could be transmitting the virus to the most vulnerable. This freedom that is so essential to what makes our country great was kicking me in the ass.

Do I stay home? Do I work? How can I make my cafe more responsible? How do I encourage people not to come in while still making our company money?

I couldn’t and things kept getting worse. I did my best following the CDC guidelines for restaurants, but we all know it’s not enough. I knew we needed to close, but selfishly I would wait until the order was given because it’s my paycheck and my reality. I was not strong enough to make a stand and tell my boss I would not work. Thankfully, NYS did it for me and closed all gyms, of which my cafe is inside. I didn’t have to make a stand, I just had to do my best until it was made for me.

This makes me feel weaker. OF course we all should be social distancing! Of course it’d be lovely if we could all work from home, but we can’t. I cannot do my job from home and right now there is no stimulus for me to be unemployed temporarily and receive a weekly stipend. So I didn’t make a fuss. I went to work and went home. I am a very good introvert, but social distancing takes a higher level of commitment. I also kept us open because my coworkers need money more than I do and my role in the cafe keeps it afloat. I’ll take a hit but I can afford not to get paid for a while. I have a savings and no loans. My coworkers and many other people do not.

On Monday the call was made and my cafe is closed. All morning I got new updates every half hour. From my bosses, from the gym, from the world. I’m worried about our business, my coworkers, myself, the world. I felt very overwhelmed from it all but I knew the right decision was being made. Part of my was thankful to be shut down just so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. At least now I felt I could stop spread an invisible virus.

I was shell shocked for the rest of that day and yesterday. Today I’m finally coming to. I had meetings with my boss yesterday and I’ll begin part time work tomorrow. I have begun to call our unemployment office, which will probably take me a few tries to get through. but I’ll keep going.

It’s all so surreal right now, and I’m still processing most of it. I would be a fool if I didn’t implore others to be smart and safe. However do not tell people like me or others with jobs to just “stay home” and make a sacrifice. I can afford to do that, but many cannot. If you can work from home, please do it, but shut your mouth regarding things you do not understand.