What is enough?
When did my mindset get set in this pattern, this feeling?
The hardest part of both time off and then rebuilding is developing new patterns. It’s developing a new routine, one that is not running focused. One that doesn’t make running the largest part of my morning.
New habits are hard. How did I get here? How did I go from just getting out the door and doing a loop of the park, to making 10 miles my normal? Why is it so hard to break the cycle?
I’ve been struggling. Struggling with rest, with downtime. I don’t realize it until I’ve been moody for a week and my autoimmune condition reappears, which means my immune system is weak. I don’t realize it until it literally smacks me in the face and I feel like crying. Again.
I began another training cycle on Sunday. What seems exciting is also producing some anxiety because I just don’t rest well. When I struggle in one area, it bleeds into other areas and I get into this negative thought cycle of how useless I am. That feeds into how I take care of myself, which to be honest, means I simply don’t pay attention to the little things.
Getting enough, taking the time to enjoy things, recovering completely.
These things really build up, they’ve already built up and I barely started training.
I don’t take care of myself when I’m not running. It’s not an obvious choice, I just don’t pay as much attention to things. I let myself lag.
I’m frustrated because I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to be better.
Since Sunday, I’ve been better. I’ve rested. I’ve eaten a lot. I’ve set myself up to succeed, to deal with downtime. I will be better. I have to be better.
10 miles, 90 minutes, meaningless markers.
I will be better.