Make The Decision

As I look back on my life, I don’t have many regrets. I’ve done dumb things, I’ve had some success, but at the end of the day, what I’ve gone through has made me into a person I’m proud of.

There are two ways to see my past, as something from which I’ve learned and have moved on, or something that haunts me and holds me back. Most days, I feel as though my past is something that is in the past. I feel so far removed from it, there is not benefit to going back and trying to learn even more from it.

Other days, or weeks, I can feel it creeping back into my mind, scaring me and holding me fixed immobile. I am terrified what I’ve done or my past actions will somehow hinder me. I live in fear and hold back, afraid of what could happen, what is happening if I continue.

When I think logically, of course my past can shape my future, it does all the time. However, I know when I am feeling like this, this sick, sad feeling in the back of my gut, I wonder if I am regressing or have accidentally gotten into bad habits, that will hurt me even more.

This self realization is good. This feeling sucks, but it awakens me. It saves me from myself. It causes me to pause, to reflect, to see what other people might see, to take an overhead view of my existence, and see if what I’m doing, if how I’m treating myself, is appropriate.

It’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to admit that demons can resurface. It’d be easier if it were something like a fever, and it eventually goes away and you’re immune. But instead it’s like a cold, and like a cold, even if I take precaution, when my guard is down, it can come back.

Mental health is tricky in that way.

Things seem good, like I’m on the right path, then they’re not, and I seem to veer off. I feel hopeless, with no direction. Things that aren’t a big deal, turn into mountainous decisions. I can only think about that. It consumes me. Then I stop tending to other areas.

My self care. My self confidence. My body. My nutrition.

Can I do anything right?

Can I handle another marathon cycle?

Why do I neglect myself?

It’s always boggled my mind that it’s when I abhor myself the most, that I want to spend all my time alone.

I want to spend more time with someone I can’t stand.

My toxic relationship with myself. The one that matters the most. The one I don’t get out of. The one I cannot walk away from. The one that needs to be nurtured the most.

Thats the one I neglect, because some days I cannot stand myself.

I hate those days. Those days are the ones that are full of bad decisions.

Not conscious bad decisions, more indecision.

And not making a decision, is a bad decision.

I must choose the next healthy thing, the next right thing, all the time, every day.

Hiding from myself, from decisions, is a bad decision.

This past weekend, I raced. That was a decision. I won, I suffered, it wasn’t a PR at all.

But it was a decision, and it showed me what I’ve got to do to stand any chance in this life.

Show up, even when it’s messy.

Eat properly, even when decisions are hard.

Rest more than I think, even if that is boring or opens me up emotionally.

Talk to people, spend time with others, even when I’d rather be alone.

Make the decision before life takes that power away.